I've lost you
by Macie F
Summary: Leo hurts someone he cares for when he loses control. Will he ever be able to get his old self back and will she forgive him?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles

this is set after the final battle with the shredder

* * *

Leo was once again in the dojo training. He was always in there since their last battle with the shredder where they almost died. The phone rang, but he didn't stop. It rang again. Mikey popped his head around the corner into the room. He starred at Leo while biting his lower lip and shifting his weight back and forth. When he did speak he blurted it out in one breath. "Alice is on her way over!"

With a flash he was gone before Leo could explode for being disturbed. Leo didn't even look up or stop in the slightest. Nor did he stop when he heard the layer's door open, or when he heard the sound of soft footsteps drawing closer.

"Leo?"

He hesitated in his movements, but only for a second.

"Leo we need to talk."

He didn't look at her.

"Please. It's been months now and you haven't changed."

He tried to block her out.

"I can't take much more of you pushing me away! You're so angry and distant."

He went on with his training.

"Stop!" she screamed at him. He didn't.

Frustration was coursing through her body. Grabbing a katana that was hanging from the wall she jumped out in front of Leo and blocked his latest strike against the air. If he wouldn't acknowledge her she would make him. As their katanas clashed together, a low growl escaped Leo's mouth.

"Tell me what's wrong," Alice said as she blocked his next move.

"Nothing is wrong with me. Why can't you get that through your head!" he bellowed back. By this time the others had come to see what all the commotion was about, even Splinter.

"You're not the same. I want the Leo I fell in love with back!"

Leo couldn't control his emotions any longer. "I'm still the same person!" He lashed out at Alice bring down his katana with all his force behind it. It was too much for her. The katana she held fell to the floor with a clang just as she dropped to her knees. His blade had left a deep gash across her side.

"No. NO! Alice I'm sorry. I lost control," he was down beside her in a heartbeat. All the anger pouring out of him just like the blood poured from her side.

"Stay away from me," Alice managed to mutter as the pain threatened to take over. "Donny could you help me?" she asked looking over at the silent group that had just watched the last events unfold.

"Keep pressure on that," Donny nodded to her wound as he picked her up with ease.

"Leonardo, follow me." Splinter had not said a word though the entire fight. He just stood and observed his oldest son's actions. He had been hoping that over time Leo could let go what was bothering him, but after watching him lose control like that this hope was gone. Leo followed his master into his room with no objections. "Sit my son," Splinter said closing the door behind him. "You will be leaving tonight to go find the ancient one in Japan. Maybe he will be able to help you get back on the path you have strayed from."

"But father I…"

Splinter cut him off and continued as if he never spoke. "Go and pack what you need. Then you may say a short goodbye to your brothers."

"Yes sensei." There was no point arguing. In ten minutes time Leo was ready to go. He dropped his bags by the door and tried to prepare himself to face the others. Raph, Donny, and Mikey were sitting around the kitchen table. Heads bent low they were talking in hushed whispers. They went silence when they noticed Leo standing in the doorway. "Splinter told us," stated Mikey.

"I guess this is goodbye then," replied Leo. "Where's Alice at?" Leo directed the question at Don, but it was Raph that answered.

"She's resting in my room."As Leo made to leave the kitchen Raph added, "She doesn't want to see you."

"Right," he nodded. "I'll just go then. Tell her… tell her I love her."

He walked away from his brothers, picked up his bags at the door, and walked out into the sewer beyond. Not once did he look back.


	2. Chapter 2

Raph gently pushed his door open. He didn't want to wake Alice if she was sleeping. Her back was turned away from him, but he could see her breathing was deep and even. He began carefully shutting the door without making a sound when he heard her whisper. "Am I stupid for still loving him?"

Raph stayed quiet, unsure if that question was meant for him to answer. Alice rolled over to look at him. She grimaced from accidentally stretching her side, pulling the recently stitched wound. "No… you're not. Just proves you're human," Raph smiled slightly. Alice laughed at his small joke and wiped away the tears that lingered on her face.

"Get some rest babe." Raph started to shut the door again.

"Wait!"

"Yea," he opened it wider again.

"I ..uh… we'll it's just." He took a step inside the door way. "Raph, I don't… can't be alone tonight." Tears began forming in her eyes again.

Raph moved into the room completely, shutting the door behind him. He lowered his body next to her on the bed slowly to try and not cause her any more pain from moving. She'd been in too much pain already tonight. As his arms wrapped around her in comfort she began to cry. The tighter he held her, the harder she cried, but Raph didn't want to let go. No, after that night Raph had decided he never wanted to let go.


	3. Chapter 3

In the weeks to come Raph became her rock. Alice seemed to bounce right back from everything that happened in the world's eyes, but Raph knew better. She couldn't sleep alone anymore, so every night he would head over to her apartment. Most nights he would find her a mess crying on the sofa, but as time passed her tears became less.

Raph was pretty sure Leo would have his head if he knew the way Alice clung to him in her sleep. The guilt was overwhelming at times. But with each day his feelings for her grew. He knew it was wrong, especially since he thought Alice still loved Leo, and yet he couldn't help himself. He was falling in love.

Raph kept his feelings to himself. He just continued to watch Alice heal. Her smiles became bigger, her laugh contagious, the tears disappeared. She was running and training just like she had done with Leo, but now it was with Raph. Alice still made Raph stay the night. Some things never do heal completely after all, but Raph didn't mind. He loved the way the sun made her hair shine in the mornings, how it lit up her whole face. And when she woke every morning to find him gazing down at her she'd say, "Morning sunshine," give him a kiss on the cheek, jump out of bed, and head towards the shower. After that Raph would usually leave and head back to the layer.

But today their routine changed. It had been almost two months since Leo was sent away. Alice awoke to Raph starring down at her once more. She couldn't control the smile that stretched across her face. "Morning babe," she whispered as she moved up to kiss his cheek. Then promptly she hopped outta bed and into the bathroom.

She left a puzzled Raph on the bed. His mind was racing, "Did she just call me babe? No. No way could I have heard right. But… ughh." He didn't head home that day. Instead he went into her kitchen to wait till she got outta the shower.

Alice threw on a big t-shirt and underwear. She didn't feel like getting dressed yet or drying her hair. It was a lazy day. She padded down the hallway towards the kitchen in search of food. A girl had to eat ya know. Turning the corner she was greeted with a surprise. Raph was leaning against the counter looking down. When she had come into view his face came up to meet hers.

"Is something wrong Raph?" she asked. Alice was a little worried, since he always left as soon as she woke up.

"No nothin's wrong. I just," he stepped forward, "didn't wana leave for some reason."

"And what reason would that be?" Alice was grinning now, as Raph took a couple more steps towards her.

Standing right in front of her now, he looked down into her shining eyes. "You," he whispered.

He kissed her. Everything he had went into that kiss, passion, frustration, love. He may only get one chance at this, so he was gana make it worth it. For a couple seconds Alice didn't respond and Raph almost backed off, almost. But when her lips finally began to move, it was mind blowing. Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer. Raph's hands slide down the curves of her body, brushing over where she now had a scar. His hands came to rest at the back of her knees. Without warning she was off her feet pressed against the wall behind her. Slowly, she pulled back. Breathing heavy, their foreheads touching, "Raph," she breathed out, her eyes were still closed. Her eyes fluttered open starring straight into his. A smile crept onto her face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Two months later**

He walked the familiar path. It all looked the same, yet something seemed different. Maybe it was just being gone for so long. As he neared the door, his footsteps became sluggish. He didn't leave on good terms with anyone, what if they wouldn't forgive him? What if she wouldn't?

Taking a deep breath, Leo stepped inside. It was late, but not too late. He could hear the tv on in the living room. And he could hear something else… laughter. Just then Raph's door burst open and the source of the laughter came running down the stairs. She carried a sai in her hand.

She hadn't seen Leo yet because she was looking behind her for the red turtle that would soon be after her. Stumbling on the last step, she finally looked forward to find Leo only feet from her. Alice stopped dead, laughter gone from her face. At this point Raph had finally made it out of his room and was halfway down the stairs. When he saw her freeze he too looked up and saw his brother. Raph stopped, immediately questions began in his head. Alice had said she loved him and wouldn't take Leo back, but would she hold true to her word now that it was actually time.

Silence stretched between the three, until finally Leo broke it. "Alice," he started, stepping forward, but stopped once more when he saw her move. She hadn't stepped back, but stuck her free hand backwards... towards his brother. Raph noticed too and took the couple steps to the bottom in seconds. He took hold of her hand as he gazed into his brother's eyes to see his reaction.

Leo held his expression blank. He loved Alice still, but she was happy now. They both were, he could see that just from looking at them. His leader side was telling him to let her go and be with his brother, but his heart disagreed. It wanted to hold her tight, tell her how much he missed her, how much he was sorry, and never let go. Decision made, he stayed quiet.

When Alice realized Leo wasn't going to say anything more she spoke up. "I didn't want you to find out like this, but me and Raph well we umm are together. And even though you're back now and I loved you once, I love him now."

As her words washed over him, Leo decided for their sake, he must lie. "It's for the best. Feelings do change or become clearer once away from it all."

"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled.

"I learned a lot these past months and as the emotions I held for you became less tangled with everything in me, I realized something. I cared for you, yes, but it never went quite as far as love."

Alice's face was turning red. Tears stung her eyes, but didn't spill over. "So you're what, are you trying to tell me the past year with you has all been a lie? I can't…" she was screaming now, "I can't deal with you anymore. God! You got some nerve after all the shit I put up with."

Leo didn't say anything. He couldn't even look her in the eyes.

"I can't be here right now," she whispered. She walked past Leo towards the door. Raph made to go with her, but she stopped him saying, "Raph, I love you, but please I just," she paused. "Right now I need to be alone."

"Okay," he nodded and bent to kiss the top of her head. She gave him a quick kiss and whispered, "Call me in the morning," in his ear. She handed his sai back and then just like that, she left.

Raph passed Leo on his way back towards his room. Gently brushing into his shoulder on the way he said, "You lied."

"What?" Leo squeaked out. He didn't know how Raph knew that.

"You lied to her," Raph stated again. He stood on the bottom step facing Leo. "Why? Why don't you want her to think you did love her?"

"I've caused enough pain already. I don't want her to feel guilty for loving you."

"Thanks bro," Raph smiled and continued walking to his room. He glanced around once more to look at his brother. "And it's good to have you back."

"Good to be back."

**Topside**

Alice may not love Leo anymore, but his words still hurt. Tears streaked down her face. She couldn't see very well, as she walked the familiar path home. She was questioning all of her decisions now. Was being with Raph the right thing? Did he actually love her? Would he hurt her like Leo did? And with all these questions to think about, Alice never noticed the car coming. The car that lost control and headed straight towards her.


	5. Chapter 5

Raph called her in the morning, just like she asked, but she didn't answer. Her phone just rang and rang. Maybe she needed more time. Or so he thought. When she didn't answer the next day, he went to check on her. Only he found the window she usually left open for him locked, along with all the other windows and the door.

Everyday Raph went to her apartment at night to see if she was there. On the fifth day, as he peered into the rooms, he found all the furniture to be gone. None of her stuff remained. Crushed, Raph believed she left. That she didn't love him enough to stay.

And for years he never knew what really became of Alice.

Until the fateful night that Raph met his match, a bullet. He wasn't fast enough. The man pulled the gun out and had fired before Raph even realized what had happened. The bullet hit his chest, breaking right through his shell and lodging probably somewhere near a lung.

He stumbled across streets, unsure exactly where he was going. It never accrued to him to call his brothers for help. Instead he found himself collapsing on soft grass. With what little strength he had left, he lifted his head up and found he was in a graveyard. The name on the tombstone in front of him caught his eye.

It read, "Alice Greene." And the date it held took his breath away, because it was the date of the last day Raph had seen her. She never ran away after all. With a smile on his face, Raph let go. He found his love once more.


End file.
